As I share my story on L.A. Shrinks, it feels like I stand psychologically naked before a million viewers every Monday night on Bravo. And what surprises me most is that some of those people perceive me as a victim. But that is definitely not something I want to be! So it got me thinking, when does someone stop being a victim?

For those who haven’t seen the show, I will summarize my shame for you—like many out there, I lived in an atmosphere of abuse for most of my childhood. It was rough. Fortunately, it’s over.

Many people have had some emotional or physical assault befall them at one time or another. Even more gay and bisexual men and women share the history of being bullied, ‘coming out’ rejections or even the nightmare of gay bashing. It really is a tough world out there, and being gay can make it even tougher.

But before this article starts to move into downer territory, let me give an interesting research finding that may perk you up.

Robert-Paul Juster and his colleagues were able to demonstrate in a study highlighted in the January 2013 edition of the journal Psychosomatic Medicine that gay men and lesbians who come out of the closet have fewer psychiatric symptoms and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol than their closeted brothers and sisters. So coming out is a really good thing for your physical and mental health.

On top of that, it seems like gay men in particular have lower physiological stress levels than their straight counterparts. Overall, researchers are suggesting that all the stuff we go through may help us to develop better coping mechanisms. Apparently, us ‘out gays’ are a resilient people!

As a psychologist, I love to help people out of their problem pants and into a success skirt. Throw in some nice shoes and a matching handbag—well, you get the picture. Kind of like the Rachel Zoe of psychology, minus the pinchy voice.

But some people are stuck in their problem pants. They’ve gorged on self-pity, and now the pants are stuck on tight. Because they continually see their problems as due to another person, they see themselves as a perpetual victim. That means (to stretch this metaphor mercilessly) they can’t get those pants off without the help of the person who victimized them in the first place.

Now, I am not saying that being the victim is an incorrect characterization for some. When one is victimized, they can be rightly called a victim. But when does it stop? When do they stop playing that role?

When I think of that person who is stuck in the victimhood role, I think of the person who shows you their battle scars. Then they tell you how they have been compromised by their injury and that they have not gotten over it emotionally, and that it is negatively impacting many areas of their life for a significant amount of time. Then they tell you of the resentment toward another for having given it to them. That’s how you can tell they are holding onto victimhood—the resentment.

If you are in recovery, you already know my favorite saying about resentment: Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Though it is an effective emotion to keep you separated from another person, it’s just nasty—like emotional acid in your system.

When you blame others for your problems, you generally believe the solution must come from them as well. They caused it, and only they can fix it.

Now, this is easier said than done. The other person must first acknowledge what they did and that it’s wrong. Then they need to apologize and make amends. That last one is tough, because most victims can’t tell you what amends will work for them. But if the perpetrator can figure it out, all ostensibly becomes OK again.

There is little chance all of this will happen, at least not in a timely manner. If you wait for someone else to change before you do, I would pack a lunch, because it’s probably going to take a while.

Until then, it might be best to focus on yourself. This is when it’s good to make use of those advanced coping mechanisms that were so hard-won in the coming out process. But if you find it difficult to let go of resentment, you might be stuck in victimhood.

Next time, I’ll get you out of those victimhood problem pants and into a sassy survivor skirt. (I’m sure Jeff Probst would be proud.)