What do you do when you screw up and forget? What if you forget your partner’s birthday, your anniversary or (goddess-forbid) their court date? Unfortunately, I have had to answer this question for myself more than a few times. Well, not the court date one (those are tough to forget).

Screw-ups seem to go with the territory in relationships. Like two sides of a coin, if you are going to be together with someone and fulfill their wishes, you are also going to end up pulling away or pushing against them and making them miserable.

Oh, I am not saying that misery is a forgone conclusion in a relationship. At least, not the new ones. Relationships in the beginning stages seem to have few problems. Every quirk and bad habit seems cute and endearing. If some misstep happens, the loving couple looks at each other longingly and everything seems to be OK again.

But as time rolls on, those little quarks get annoying, and those habits really do seem bad. Conflict becomes a part of every relationship, and it is how the couple handles that conflict that will either bring them closer or tear them apart. If you are with someone long enough, you are going to have a little—or a lot—of both.

Most conflicts in relationships are due to some obvious misstep by one or some misperception of the other. One person does something and the other gets in a huff. But there is no misstep like forgetting. The person who is on the ‘forgotten about’ side experiences neglect and can feel lost, alone or even betrayed.

So how can you remember? I mean, the obvious thing is to put your dates in a calendar. The electronic calendars on your computer or phone also have settings for reminder alerts. I like those, because you can set them for a week out, which gives you time to order online and have a present in your hand by the date. That’s been my go-to.

There are other nifty memory strategies. Tying the date to another date is good. My partner’s birthday is near Valentine’s Day. When I start seeing pink hearts appearing everywhere, I know I need to start doing some shopping (or get antipsychotic medication). My birthday is in the fall, right after school starts. So back-to-school ads mean I have to start dropping casual hints, such as giving my partner a catalogue number and a 20 percent-off coupon.

There is also software like “Remember the Task” and “Secure Reminder,” and most flower services allow you to register important dates and will send you an email to remind you to buy their product. I could go on, but this is not about what to do to prevent the problem, rather what to do once you have it.

First thing, forgive yourself. Everyone does it. In fact, if you have a normal brain, then you will forget things you perceive to be trivial or irrelevant so you can retain other more important things. This was even demonstrated in a Stanford University study published in Nature Neuroscience in 2007. Scientists were able to show that by forgetting irrelevant information we can remember relevant stuff better.

Now, before you start honking at me that birthdays and anniversaries are relevant, I’ll honk back that they may not be relevant to what is going on at the moment. If you have a lot of stress at work, a loved one who is ill or the IRS is breathing down your neck, your brain may selectively focus on the stress of the moment versus the mundane of everyday life. It’s the brain’s way of conserving energy and maximizing efficiency.

But just like those annoying hybrid drivers who slow the flow of traffic to squeeze out an extra mile per gallon, the brain slows the flow of information to focus on the stress at hand.

The next thing to do is immediately take corrective action. Don’t get defensive; don’t pretend nothing happened; don’t play the victim yourself and blame it on the taxman.

When you get called out, immediately take responsibility and say “I’m sorry.”

I know—two words that may not seem like they mean very much, but they do. They are also two words that seem to be difficult for a lot of people to say. If that is you, then you need to practice in front of the mirror. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Saying it does not mean you are weak—it means you are taking responsibility, and that takes strength. And being strong and taking responsibility you must.

Acknowledge your mistake, apologize and make it better. Still buy that gift, sign that card and take him out to dinner—and set up a reminder for next year. Everyone makes mistakes, but the real mistake is not to learn from them.