Every year for the past four years, my partner and I have gone to Cancun with a large gay-owned travel organization. For those who don’t know, it’s a tour group that organizes cruises and land trips all around the world for mostly gay men. I won’t say the name, but it rhymes with Schm-Atlantis.
For those who have not been on one of these trips, you have probably seen ads with ripped muscle boys cavorting joyously on sun-drenched beaches and beside sparkling deck pools. This advertising definitely attracts many customers but seems to intimidate others.
To the intimidated, let me reinforce your fears and say there are examples of these male show-ponies prancing around, but thankfully for the rest of us, they are fairly few compared to the regular-looking gay men (who are still better looking than most straight men their age).
These trips attract a wide variety of people from all over the world. The majority of attendees are couples—approximately two-thirds. And a lot of them come back year after year. Now, there is the occasional “thruple” (a three-way relationship), but they get all the attention because everyone wants to know who does the laundry. (I doubt it’s the newest one.
That is why it was odd when a previously single friend canceled his annual trip because he was now in a relationship. This eight-month unsingle friend was afraid that taking his new beau on such a trip may rock the boat—or would even cause his boyfriend to abandon ship. Which lead me to wonder, when is it O.K. to go on a gay vacay with the fianc (or other paired-up partner)?
For the uninitiated, these packaged gay-cations have all those activities that boys who like boys like to do. There are the predictable parties where scantily clad lads dance to a never-ending thump. There are pop stars, Broadway singers, lounge acts, drag queens and comics, all imported for added fun. And there are loads of things to do all day long (and no, I don’t mean “Miss Things”). But the single most prominent feature of such a vacation is the sense of community and togetherness. There is an almost instant understanding and camaraderie that comes out when we gays gather together. Wow, I sound like I am selling it! Now to validate my friend’s concerns…
I hear stories of people who snort mysterious substances and stumble into slings, but in all my time I have never encountered such a thing (probably because I don’t snort or stumble). I think the people who encounter those things are probably looking for them. But I do see a lot of innocent flirting and more than a few walks of shame.
Kevin and I go for an entirely different reason—to relax in a place where we can be ourselves, free of judgment, scorn and raised eyebrows. As much as we may fear judgment from the occasional prissy queen, our real problems have come from a larger society that doesn’t always get us. And who can blame them?
The general public thinks all we do is go shirtless and dance to thumpy music because that’s what they see on TV shows (mine notwithstanding). Unless someone close has come out to them, they don’t know we can be a rather unglamorous bunch who shop at Target, sleep with our mouths open and fight over the remote. Most wouldn’t even dare take off their shirt in public (or even in private for that matter). But I digress.
So, really, this doesn’t answer my question. When is a relationship strong enough to go into a group of men who are seen as ‘the competition,’ even if they are also in a relationship? For some that may be week two of a relationship. For others, that may be year 20. Time isn’t the issue; it’s the security each person in the relationship has in themselves first and in the relationship second.
To check your own security, ask yourself if you believe you are worthy of this relationship and the affections of the man or woman who is in it with you. Also, ask yourself if your partner communicates his or her affection for you both behind closed doors and when out in the gay public. If not on both counts, you will probably find yourself prone to jealousy and insecurity, and this vacation may not be fun for you.
Also, ask yourself if you can trust your own wandering eye not to turn into wandering hands. If you can’t, then it’s best to step away from the buffet. If your partner is flirty, you have to ask yourself if you can stand others reciprocating. (It’s only polite.) Or, if your partner is much better looking or younger than you are, be prepared for the vultures to start circling and then swooping in when you step away for a smoke. All of this is what straight couples have to put up with all the time, so don’t start thinking it has anything to do with being gay. It’s human nature.
Once you have passed all of these insecurity checkpoints, you need to talk with your partner and map out some rules for the vacation. What do you both want from the experience? Shall we spend time apart or stay attached at the hip? What happens when you want to do different things (or different people)? Shall we bring one “toy” and share so we have more room for the headdress? Don’t assume anything!
It’s not easy to have a talk like this, but it is worth it! And if you do at the beginning of your relationship, you are far more likely to have a successful first-time gay-cation and begin to develop the skills for a successful long-term partnership as well.
For the record, Schm-Atlantis (and its sub-schmidiaries) did not pay me a fee for this article and, in fact, has only ever taken my full-fare, non-discounted money. So, I write this without remuneration (or consent)!