“You go to L.A., or you go to New York, and it’s really fun to go there.
But they’re not grounded…. There are too many choices.
And it’s distracting to me.” —Bob Seger
Has this ever happened to you? You go to a party or bar and meet someone hot, and then his eyes seem to look right past you at what appears to be a better option. Ouch.
Then someone walks up to you and says “Hello,” but you find yourself looking over his shoulder at the one that just got away. But alas, the one that got away continues his search for Mr. Right. And so do you.
I often hear from these rejected types that they can’t meet anyone decent because all the guys in L.A. are jerks—to which I then inquire how they fit into that equation. (You will be unsurprised to learn they view themselves as the single exception to that rule.)
I once wondered if there was a way I could get all of these ‘decent’ discontents into a room so they could finally meet each other. But I put off that idea because I knew these guys would only repeat their same pattern—turning their back on those available to them, and then calling everyone else a jerk—ending up in some kind of dating circle jerk.
Maybe the problem is not that all the guys in L.A. are jerks. Maybe the problem is just that all the guys are in L.A. Now, wait and hear me out.
I’m not putting down living in our city. I sing Randy Newman’s “I Love L.A.” along with everyone else. And the amount of gay men is staggering. Just turn on Grindr at nearly any location in L.A. and you could spend three days just working through a 500-foot radius.
But in a city as large as Los Angeles, with so many available men to choose from, one would think it’d be easy to find someone for more than one night. Liberace famously stated, “Too much of a good thing is wonderful!” But does that apply to too many choices in men? Was it a wonderful thing in the long run for Liberace?
Believe it or not, too much choice actually makes it more difficult to settle on one thing. Psychologist Barry Schwartz addresses this phenomenon in his book The Paradox of Choice. He points out that too much choice can freeze us in our tracks.
When there are too many choices, we put off making the decision until tomorrow … and the day after that … and the day after that. And if we are talking about settling down in a relationship, we end up doing anything but.
So what should a relationship-hungry single guy do? Just walk into a crowded disco with a giant wooden club, clobber the first attractive man you see on the head and drag him out by his clipper cut? Well, that problem would be solved, but you are left with one more—it’s not just in the choosing but also what happens after you have chosen.
When we are faced with lots of choices and we finally make one, we often end up less satisfied with the choice we made than if we’d had fewer options to choose from in the first place. Said another way, where there are a lot of fish in the sea, we worry that the one we caught is not going to taste quite as good as the ones we let get away.
Why? It’s not because there’s a problem with the man you met (well, at least I assume there isn’t.) Truth is, most guys in L.A. are decent human beings. It’s just that with so many tempting other men out there, it’s easy to imagine that a different choice would be a better guy for you.
And the more there are ‘better guys’ to compare him to, the more regret for choosing to be with your chosen guy in the first place. And so, once again, you end up complaining to your friends that there are no decent guys in L.A. Sound familiar?
To make matters worse (and more disheartening), at least part of your dissatisfaction may be due to the fact that you did pick a less-than-optimal guy. But again, this is because there are too many choices.
A 2013 University of Warwick study published in the Psychonomic Bulletin and Review demonstrated that when we have more choices, we tend to spend less time getting information about each individual option. When there are a lot of men to get to know, we spend less time getting to know each one. This can lead to serious problems, because you tend to go on surface material rather than really getting to know the person first.
So what’s the solution for single Angelenos? If only we could do a “Best of Men” edition of Frontiers. But, alas, it would be the size of a 1974 phone book.
You could move to a smaller place where there are fewer eligible men and you would have more time to get to know each one. But that’s not practical—or desirable—for most of us.
If you are going to stay here, I suggest a dating tip from deep in the heart of Texas: “Raise your skirt and lower your standards.”
Realize you are swimming in a big school of fish. People are going to spend less time getting to know you, so help them out by being more revealing and honest about whom you are so they can make a better decision. If they reject you, then gracefully move on knowing it wasn’t a good match after all.
And when you meet people, don’t judge people based solely on their exteriors. Take extra time to get to know them. And the next time you are at a party or bar and a ‘better option’ walks by, ignore him. Treat the person right in front of you like the best option. He just may be.