Bette Davis famously said, “Growing old isn’t for sissies.“ The only problem? Sissies get old, too. And when they do, they’re likely to feel depreciated and socially invisible, according to a December 2015 study in the journal Science and Medicine.
Many who have passed the age of 50 feel invisible. Not because people bump into them, but because they look right through them. This makes Pride especially difficult now that it has morphed away from its political roots into a big party where celebrity appearances and all-but-naked dancers (and dancing) are the reasons many go.
This problem is known to many in our community. Those with visible disabilities, more than a few extra pounds or ethnic differences often feel see-through. It’s a feeling that eventually extends to everyone else as youth and attractiveness begin to fade. It’s like having a personal stock market crash—one’s value goes down.
To find out the effects of this, UCLA professor Richard Wight and colleagues studied 312 gay men over 30 years. The men ranged in age from 48-78 (average of 61) and 61% of them were HIV-negative.
The study asked questions that most older gay men think but dare not say: “Aging is especially hard because I am a gay man,“ “As I get older, I feel more invisible when I am with other gay men“ and “As I get older I feel pressured to look younger than my age.“
What they found is that the over-valuing of youth and beauty (ageism) in gay male culture—combined with old-fashioned self-loathing (homophobia)—really starts to eat at these men, creating what the authors call “internalized gay ageism.“ The effect? They feel depressed.
These men then take themselves out of the game because they no longer feel valued by the other players. These are the same men who came out of the closet to create the visibility and acceptance we have today, had sit-ins and marches to gain the rights we now take for granted and lived through our community’s devastation by AIDS.
To feel valued, the study found that one thing matters above all: mattering. It’s the degree to which people feel they are an important part of the world around them. That comes from believing that others think about them, seek their advice and care what happens to them. But how is that going to happen if one stays at home or is ignored once he leaves it?
Maybe we can’t expect ourselves to stop drooling over smooth-skinned Adonises, but we can make room in our busy drooling schedule to be nice and say hello to someone who made a difference in our lives by blasting open the sealed closet door in theirs.
Being gay 30, 40, 50 years ago was vastly different than it is today. These seasoned men paved the streets we are now able to march (and dance) down. Help them know they matter in your life and in their own.