“It had to look cute, the color had to be cute and I had to look cute driving it.” —Car test by Janet on the ‘70s sitcom Three’s Company
I have a confession to make, I like cars. Maybe this isn’t such a revelation coming from a native of Southern California, where cars operate somewhere between ‘life necessity’ and ‘penile extension device.’ But being a gay man, I suppose I gravitate toward the latter. Gay women are far more practical.
Here in L.A., where so many gay boys drive leased Range Rovers and live in single apartments, the car seems to be a way for people to pretend they are something they aren’t while convincing others they are. Follow me? People’s cars may be as phony as their backstories (and noses).
But with the L.A. Auto Show currently running, I wondered exactly what a car says about the person who buys it—well, mostly myself and all my friends. Everyone has his theory, but lo and behold, the oversized brains at UC Davis actually did a study (funded by Daimler Chrysler, mind you) and published in the 2004 journal Transportation Research. Who knew?
Now, remember, this research was done on the general population, and like all things that apply to the general population, gay people are often notable exceptions, so take these findings with a grain of paprika.
SMALL CARS: Popular cars are the Prius, Honda Civic and BMW Mini. It’s no surprise that small car drivers tend to live in big cities (like L.A.) and may actually be concerned about the environment. Frankly, they also may be concerned about parking, but that didn’t come up in the survey, though it’s a huge advantage. They like to stay closer to home and don’t go away at the drop of a hat. They also tend to be loners and live in single-adult households. They generally are neither workaholics nor status-seekers as they are generally content and have nothing to prove. It is nice to see the small car is the choice for many big boys in the Bear community, where confidence and support tend to reign supreme.
There is one exemption, though—the Prius. The Prius became the go-to of the environmentally aware status-seeker in order to demonstrate they really are better than others. As South Park astutely pointed out, they have replaced the output of smog with ‘smug.’ Am I making this up? Nope. A 2012 study out of UC Berkley found that Prius drivers were as rude as BMW drivers. So you better get out of their way or else they will cut you off (at slower speeds).
MID-SIZED CARS: Popular cars are—well, I don’t know. Do you? I mean, do you know anyone who has a mid-sized car that wasn’t handed down to them by their parents? You probably do, but you forgot because the UC Davis research shows that mid-sized car owners have no distinct personality, lifestyle or travel preferences. Ouch! We can reframe the finding to say that mid-sized car owners are like secret agents who live among us unnoticed but have dynamic and diverse lives that cannot be pigeonholed.
Besides, anyone ‘in the know’ knows this is the car choice of the ‘old-money’ and ber-famous set—so they can avoid detection. This deal was sealed for me when, years ago, I saw Jackie O getting in the back of a beat-up steel blue Ford Fairmont in NYC.
LUXURY CARS: Popular cars are big BMWs, lower-alphabet Mercedes and a whole lotta Lexus. It’s no surprise that luxury car owners tend to be status-seekers—maybe that is why there are so many in L.A. amongst the newly monied and the wannabe famous. Oh, and the gay community. These drivers want others to see them as better than they see themselves. Luxury lead foots also tend to be older, richer and more educated, and there are more dudes in their fold.
Brett Berk, writer of the gay car blog at VanityFair.com, has called the BMW 7-series the unofficial gay car of Los Angeles. BMWs generally are the leader in this category, but the Berkeley study also associated BMWs with narcissists and people who don’t stop for pedestrians, so maybe we should rethink that one.
SPORTS CARS: Popular cars are Porsches, smaller BMWs and the little Lexus. Sports car drivers tend to be adventurous and are probably great to have sex with but a bitch to be in a relationship with as they tend to be ‘risk-taking’ and ‘variety-seeking.’ So if you see your date roll up in a sporty two-seater, invite him in for some fun but tell him you have to be somewhere more important in 15 minutes. Don’t fret—they like to go fast.
PICKUPS: Ford and Toyota are the popular names in this category. Truck owners tend to be middle-aged guys, but middle-aged women are catching up quickly. A 2004 R.K. Polk Survey found that American women bought more than 250,000 pickups. Lady truckers say it’s because pickups are higher, bigger and command more respect from other drivers.
According to the UC Davis study, pickup drivers tend to live in the outskirts of the city and are less satisfied with their lives. Probably because they also tend to be workaholics.
SUVS: These are station wagons on stilts. Every car company has one, but we gays tend to love the Audi Q5, the Lexus RX and the perennial Jeep. SUV road warriors tend to have a stronger travel freedom attitude—meaning they want to bust loose and go somewhere. But they’re not running away from anything, as they tend to feel satisfied with their lives. They tend to be under 40, highly educated and maybe even have higher incomes.
With the gayby boom in full-force, this has also become the minivan of the gayer persuasion. SUV owners just do it with more style. But all is not happy in SUV-land, as many are making the switch to smaller cars to help the environment and to avoid the shaming stares of Prius drivers.
Now, studies aren’t foolproof, and these findings are generalities. I mean, these researchers aren’t talking about you personally. (Or are they?) Like horoscopes, psychic readings and full-body scans, it’s fun to wonder if the findings truly describe you.
If you ask me, forget the car studies. Janet on Three’s Company had it right all along. Just find a car that has a cute style, a cute color and that you look really cute driving.