Lose weight! Earn more! Ask his name first! New Year’s Eve has traditionally become a time when people make a resolution to change or achieve something in the coming year.
While some estimate that 40 percent of Americans make new year’s resolutions, only about eight percent end up sticking to them. The big bummer is that 25 percent don’t make it past the first week. Sound familiar? The problem is not in the making of resolutions. It is how people do it.
Resolutions are generally vague and open-ended changes that people vow to make because, frankly, in the previous year(s) they have seen some shortcoming in their lives such as gaining too much weight, earning too little money or sleeping around without the hope of a second date. But anyone who has achieved anything knows that “vague and open-ended” is a pathway to failure.
A resolution is a decision. But to have power that decision needs to be tied to a goal. Goals are a destination for our mind. They give us someplace to aim toward.
Think of your goal in much the same way you think of a physical destination. If you want to vacation at a beach resort, you don’t just pick any resort and go there—you think about what you want at that resort. What country do you want to visit? Is the resort friendly to gays? Is it clothing-optional? Do they have Zumba lessons? Then you determine where you are going.
Do the same process with your goal. Do you want to lose weight to be healthier, fit into those tiny seats at the theater or (like most of us) look more attractive? Figure out exactly what that is and keep it firmly in mind. Don’t just say you want to lose weight then rocket-launch yourself into a no-carb diet and manic gym attendance that you will surely abandon by President’s Day. It’s better to get a picture of exactly what you want and keep it firmly in mind.
Unlike conventional wisdom, it is the goal and not the journey that makes the real difference. Goals need to be definitive. According to a 2013 study by Panos Mitkidis of Aarhus University in Denmark, published in the scientific journal PLOS ONE, productivity improves when we know exactly what our goals are—instead of just following a process without really knowing where we are going. We do best to switch the focus to goals instead of focusing on processes. But a little competition doesn’t hurt either.
According to David Conroy at Penn State, in a study published in the November 2013 issue of the journal Sport, Exercise and Performance Psychology, when your goal is to outperform others, your feelings of pride will be amplified when you succeed, but when your goal is to avoid being outperformed by others, your feelings of shame will be amplified when you fail. Pride is known to invoke a boost of confidence, persistence and problem-solving ability, which can help people perform. And as any gay person knows, shame only brings on more problems.
Like any journey, you will need to have a map. For a goal, I suggest following my acronym, M.A.P.
Motivation: Think about your destination and what you will get once you arrive there. That will keep your motivation high like the proverbial carrot that is dangled in front of the horse to make it walk forward. The only difference is you will eventually get that carrot if you continue the journey. Follow the advice of David Conroy from the Penn State study—focus on what you will get by achieving the goal rather than on what you can lose by not doing so. And the pride you will feel when you achieve it will only help you to achieve future goals.
Assessment: Get concrete about where you are now, exactly where you want to go and what it is going to take to get there. Weight or money starting and ending points tend to be easier because they are based on numbers. (For example, “I weigh X and I want to weigh Y.”) But if your goal seems more vague, like “improve my relationship with my partner,” determine what that might look like and put it into concrete terms. Maybe you haven’t gone away together in a long while or you don’t eat dinner together regularly because of mixed-up schedules. What could you point to concretely and know that situation has improved? Eat dinner together one night a week for six weeks, then recommit? Schedule a vacation by summer?
Plan: Determine what you are going to have to do to get to your goal in the time determined by you. If you want to get across the country overnight, you don’t get in your car and drive—it would take too long. If you want to earn $10,000 more this year, you don’t remain stagnant in your current job—you ask your boss for a raise, get a higher paying job or find another source of income. Still, like travel, sometimes our plans get derailed. If so, be flexible and find another way, but don’t lose focus on the goal itself. Like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada when she was tasked with finding Meryl Streep’s character, Miranda Priestly, a way home during a snowstorm, things may appear impossible, but with persistence you can find another way there.
For every time you do something in service of your goal, give yourself a pat on the back. Reinforcement of your progress is like stopping at a gas station for more fuel. It will keep you going (at least for another week).
On New Year’s Eve, feel free to make your resolutions. But on New Year’s morning, turn that resolution into a concrete goal, map out your journey and go for it! You may just make your internal Miranda Priestly crack a smile.