Don’t you miss the first year of your relationship? Especially the first few months? During that time it was all possibilities and wonder. You were just getting to know your partner, dreaming of a future together. The first stage of any relationship is about bonding. It forms the glue that will hold you together for when the relationship rubber meets the road. Some liken it to a drug, and there’s even a 12-step program for it. Still, it’s intoxicating; it all seems so right. But then it starts to go wrong….
After a little while, the infatuation fades and cracks start to appear. No, not the cracks in his face—actual problems in the relationship you either never noticed or you did notice, but they were just beginning to bug you. Those little annoyances can turn into arguments, but fear not—conflict isn’t a bad thing in relationships. Au contraire, conflict can help a couple work out difficulties and come back to better understand each other, which actually strengthens the bond.
As I pointed out in my last article, John and Julie Gottman, preeminent relationship researchers out of the University of Washington, found that 69% of conflict in relationships is perpetual and has no resolution. The key is to learn how to manage conflicts rather than resolve them.
But there are some conflicts that are inherently destructive. The Gottmans called these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Here we outline the most severe conflicts. You’ll probably recognize yourself and your partner in some (or all) of them.
1. CRITICISM Attacking your partner’s personality or character rather than the individual act. This is usually judging someone else as “wrong” when you are, of course, “right.” Lots of all-or-nothing accusations.
Examples: “You always…,” “You never…,” “You’re the type of person who…”
Remedy: Complain about one thing rather than criticizing the person. Seriously, complaining is OK if it’s about one thing. Narrow it to a complaint and make a request. For example, “You didn’t clean the soufflé pan. Would you mind doing it before we go to bed?”
2. DEFENSIVENESS Seeing yourself as the victim of an attack, whether it’s true or not. Nonetheless, you put your boxing gloves on to fend off anymore attacks.
Examples: Making excuses for your behavior, saying you were forced to do whatever it is you did because of someone or something else. (“It’s not my fault…” or “I slept with him because you weren’t paying attention to me.”); whining (“It’s not fair!”); cross-complaining, when you meet your partner’s complaint with another complaint, criticism or just plain ignoring what he is saying. (“Oh yeah, well you… blah, blah, blah”); denial (“That’s not true!” usually followed by a good dose of cross-complaining, “You’re the one who…”) and the broken record, which is repeating oneself while simultaneously appearing not to hear a single thing the other person says. Eventually you either get beaten down or you beat him up. His perfected “non-listening” techniques will only infuriate you more.
Remedy: The key is to find something you can validate. Put down your shield and really listen to your partner. This may be tough because he may be saying all kinds of nonsense, but you just need to ignore that. Really look for the needle in the haystack and then call that needle out and validate him for bringing that up. Claim responsibility for your actions that contributed. You will be amazed how quickly your partner calms down.
3. CONTEMPT This is stooping to a whole new level beyond criticism and defensiveness, when your sense of self is attacked. This is true psychological abuse.
Examples: Insults and name-calling like “fat,” “stupid” or “ugly”; hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery; body language such as sneering, rolling your eyes and curling your upper lip.
Remedy: Get off your damn high horse and apologize for your shitty behavior. Yes, you. If you stoop to contempt, it’s as if you are pouring sulfuric acid on the relationship. You need to take the walk of shame. Sorry, there’s no way around this one—you stepped in it, and now you have to clean it up.
4. STONEWALLING This one involves withdrawing from the relationship as a way of avoiding conflict. Stonewalling may be a better alternative than punching someone, but it conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection and/or smugness.
Examples: Stony silence; grunts, groans and monosyllabic responses; changing the subject; removing yourself physically; the silent treatment.
Remedy: Often people get to the point of stonewalling when they run out of words. A way through is to call it out: “I’m sorry, but I can’t think of something else to say.” If you really want to work on things, ask your partner, “Can we take a break and bring this up later?” These can be among the toughest words to say during a conflict, but a 30-minute break can do wonders for a couple as they begin to settle back into their regular functioning. But don’t stay there too long. Focus on open truthful communication and generous listening.
Now, these aren’t the only culprits that erode relationships. There are also things like belligerence and domineering, both of which also take their tolls. These four horsemen, however, are among the most destructive. All couples step into these traps; the real key is getting out of them.
Next time I’ll share with you the real secrets on how to improve your relationship, even when your partner is not looking!