A successful relationship is often considered the Holy Grail of the gay world. It means we’ve arrived. But anyone who has been in a relationship longer than six months knows they take work. A lot of work.

I always say that if you want clear advice about how to have a relationship, ask a single person. They seem to know all the rules (which inevitably lead them back to being single again). If you ask someone in a long-term relationship, that person’s advice is likely to be a bit more clouded.

Luckily there is a great deal of research to light the way, some of which is quite surprising. Since it can all be overwhelming, here’s what we know.

JUST FOR THE GAYS

Same-sex couples are more likely to be happy and positive about their relationships than our heterosexual counterparts, according to a 2014 British study published by the Open University.

Approximately 50% of gay male relationships are “open”—meaning there is sex outside the relationship with the partners’ knowledge and approval—according to a San Francisco State University 2010 gay couples study. (This number does not include those who say they’re monogamous and then sneak around.)

42% of open couples opened things up in their first three months, according to a 2013 University of Michigan study. The rest took an average of five to seven years.

Open couples are just as happy in their relationships as those in sexually exclusive unions, according to the 2010 study.

A 2012 study conducted by San Francisco State University titled “You and Me” found that most white couples, regardless of HIV status, did not use condoms within their relationship.

That same study found that black men with black partners were far likelier to use condoms due to “unspoken agreements” regarding the high HIV transmission rates among gay African-Americans. If there was a break in this agreement, black couples were moree likely to talk about the situation and undergo HIV testing together.

FOR ALL RELATIONSHIPS

Most conflicts are not resolvable. John and Julie Gottman, preeminent relationship researchers out of the University of Washington, found that 69% of conflict in relationships is perpetual and has no resolution. The key is to learn how to manage conflicts rather than resolve them.

The bads outweigh the goods. Stable, happy couples have a 5:1 ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions, according to the Gottmans. That is, for every criticism and negative comment, there has to be at least five compliments and positive comments. The key is to build a big fat savings account of positives, so when a withdrawal is made (like an unthinking comment), there is still plenty left to make the relationship feel rich.

The happiest couples don’t have kids. Childless men and women are more satisfied with their relationships and more likely to feel valued by their partner, according to a study of 5,000 couples by the Open University.

Say “thanks.” Thanking and giving compliments emerged as one of the most important factors in keeping a relationship healthy.

If you want to find a husband, find an ex-husband. The Open University study found that people who had been in a long-term relationships before were more likely to know how to sustain their next relationship.

As a disclaimer, I am not telling you to open up your relationship, refuse to have kids or steal someone’s husband. Rather, relationships are complicated things. They are ever-evolving and require work and commitment by both people. There are things you can do to make them succeed, and all-too-common mistakes that can lead to failure.

In my next article, I will show you some of the most dangerous traps couples get into, and what you can do to escape them.