You now have the right to marry the one you love … everywhere in the United States! But what if you love two people? Or more? That is the question at hand for the estimated half-million polyamorous relationships in the country.
Talking about polyamory so soon after the marriage victory may seem odd. The notion also fans the flames of the far right, which argued all along that gay marriage was a “slippery slope” that would one day include those in “throuples” and animal-lovers. Still, I had to wonder about those in our community who might feel left out of the SCOTUS decision.
According to the polyamory support organization Loving More, “Polyamory refers to romantic love with more than one person, honestly, ethically and with the full knowledge and consent of all concerned.” Polyamory doesn’t include people who deceive, cheat and lie about outside relationships; we have different words for them.
Sexual non-exclusivity is common in gay relationships (some studies estimate 50-67% of gay and 30% of lesbian relationships), and this has long been the bugaboo of conservatives advocating against gay marriage. They worried that if gays got the right to marry, their “gay ways” would infect the institution of marriage and housewives would set up Tupperware orgies. But so far, it seems the ones changing are not heteros but homos.
According to a 2009 University of Iowa study, marriage tends to have a “traditionalizing” effect among same-gender couples. One example: it appears the person perceived as the relationship’s female role determines who does the household labor—a finding that doesn’t hold true with gay couples not legally married.
It is difficult to give a uniform depiction of polyamory. Many watched Big Love on HBO or Polyamory: Married and Dating on Showtime, but those shows featured hetero groups. Similar relationships exist in the gay community, the most common being the throuple, which are often a long-term couple adding a third partner at a later date. Of course, throuples aren’t the only expression; the possibilities are endless.
The poly life is not for everyone. Those who thrive in poly situations tend to be more creative, non-conforming and individualistic, less concerned about the opinions of others and are more focused on following their own values and ethics. They also often have the character trait of “compersion.” The opposite of jealousy, it refers to a feeling of delight when your partner experiences the joy of intimacy with another.
But of course there are also downsides, the most obvious being social disapproval and discrimination. Poly people can be rejected by friends and family, and can be fired from their jobs if they reveal their unconventional lifestyle. This leads many to keep their relationship(s) secret, which can cause more stress and strain on the person and the relationship. Another common problem is dealing with increased time demands.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that poly relationships have all the same problems as any other relationship (though multiplied and often amplified). Unless those involved are skilled at communication and emotional management, things can turn quickly from polyamory to polyagony!
Currently there is no legal recognition for polyamorous relationships, and attempts to marry a second person are strictly prohibited in most Western nations. The Netherlands allows poly couples to enter into legally binding arrangements called Samenlevingscontract, but that isn’t quite equivalent to marriage. Countries that do allow polygamy have cultures distinctly different from the U.S. (Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Singapore), and the practice is primarily found within Muslim culture. Homosexuality is also banned in most of those same countries.
Don’t expect the right wing’s “slippery slope” argument to be realized anytime soon. Even Justice Kennedy’s SCOTUS decision mentions “fidelity” as a basis of marriage. Still, as gay women and men get married in all 50 states and same-sex unions become increasingly accepted, it may signal a time when those in poly relationships are able to live more openly and enjoy acceptance, especially from our own community.