Bruce Jenner’s courageous interview with Diane Sawyer may have been a turning point in transgender awareness throughout the nation. It was good for gays, too, as it discussed the difference between being homosexual and transgender. As Sawyer noted, gender and sexual orientation are two different things—gender is who you go to bed as, sexual orientation is who you go to bed with. But what if you do not experience sexual attraction to anyone? Where do you fit in?
There is one sexual orientation so hidden that it doesn’t even show up in the LGBT acronym—those who identify as “asexual.” Asexuality is considered a lack of sexual attraction to either sex, however, someone who is asexual can be romantically attracted to men, women, both or neither. According to a 2004 study by Bogart published in The Journal of Sex Research, approximately 1% of the population identifies as asexual.
Now, many of us have had periods of no sex, either by choice or force of circumstances, but that does not make one asexual. Many in that situation—priests, prisoners, medical patients—will tell you they still have sexual thoughts and desires but are simply unable to act on them, and after a while the lack of sexual behavior leads to fewer thoughts and desires, making it easier to manage. But that still does not make them asexual. What makes an asexual is biology, not circumstance.
Perhaps the biggest problem for those who are asexual is getting others to understand them. Most can’t fathom not desiring something so many of us crave. To make matters a bit more complicated for those who like to put people in boxes, asexual folks can also identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.
A person could identify as an “asexual lesbian,” meaning that she identifies herself as a female in gender and has a romantic attraction to women but has no desire to have sex. She could even be a “transgender asexual lesbian” meaning she was born into the body of a male but identifies as female, has romantic attractions to other females but has no desire to have sex. This can be very tough to explain in a world where sex is everywhere.
Television, movies, magazines, billboards and the internet all present sex on a daily basis. Gay events like circuit parties, L.A.’s annual Halloween carnival and Pride festivities are often an excuse to wear very little and end with “meeting” as many people as possible. All of this can be a rather nice thing to those of us interested in sex, but it is a daily reminder to those who are asexual that they are “different”—much the same way gays are reminded they are different by stepping out into a world that is mostly heterosexual.
That difference can present a whole set of problems for the person who is asexual, especially in the health care and mental health fields, where sex and sexuality are often part of the discussion. Though they may admit to their health care providers that they are not currently having sex, most will not identify as asexual for fear of prejudice and pathologizing by their provider.
For years, a lack of sexual attraction has been viewed as abnormal by both the health care community and society. It’s often seen as symptomatic of a mental or physical illness, including a history of abuse or sexual trauma. With the additional pathology of those who enjoy frequent sexual encounters and porn (i.e., the overuse of “sexual addiction”), it almost seems like many in society, including the gay world, take the “Goldilocks approach” to sexuality—it has to be “just right” to be acceptable. But what is “just right”?
Relationships can also present special problems. Asexuals who desire romantic relationships are often confronted with a lack of understanding. Their partners demand that they “fix the problem,” and friends and family keep telling them they just need to meet the right man or woman. Those who do not even desire romantic relationships are constantly being asked “why?” by everyone. Still, there are some advantages.
From an evolutionary standpoint, maybe nature knows what it’s doing when making some people asexual. Not only does being asexual limit population growth, there’s also no chance of getting a sexually transmitted infection. As a result, asexual people may be able to support society when others are compromised by STDs or the burdens of raising a family.
Though it may not be the last sexual orientation we hear about, it may be the next. Phoenix Gay Pride had an asexual contingent in its parade; will L.A. be next?
If you consider yourself asexual or are just curious about asexuality, it would be good to get yourself connected and educated. The 2011 movie (A)sexual shows several people living out and proud as asexuals. Another great resource is the website asexuality.org, or you can look up the group AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network). And if you are not asexual, it might be good to expand your horizons of understanding—you know, the way you’ve asked your heterosexual bretheren to do with you.