From top: Glenn Close as bunny-boiler Alex Forrest in 1987’s ‘Fatal Attraction’; Andrew Cunanan; John Wayne Gacy; Aileen Wuornos
Psychopaths walk among us. At bars, on Scruff, in AA meetings, lounging by your pool. Invisible monsters hidden in plain sight. You already know them—they have good looks, magnetic personalities, charming demeanors and sexual chemistry—and they are everywhere. But if you get too close, you may also know the pain of callous heartbreak, empty bank accounts, bruises covering your body and personal shame.
Some famous gay psychopaths include GianniVersace assassin Andrew Cunanan, killer clown John Wayne Gacy and Milwaukee cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, but most aren’t killers in the literal sense, though they are destructive. The newest such candidate may be porn actor Jarec Wentworth, who is currently facing prison time for allegedly extorting $500,000 and a car from a “client.”
Not to be mixed up with “psychotic,” meaning someone who is out of touch with reality, psychopaths are a distinct breed of human who are in touch with reality and know right from wrong but choose to do bad things anyway. They just don’t care.
Diagnosing Psychopathy
Little is written about the world of gay psychopaths, but world-renowned expert Robert D. Hare, Ph.D., who wrote Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us, can give us a few clues on what to look for. Sometimes called a sociopath or someone with antisocial personality disorder, a psychopath is known for his striking lack of conscience, and his game is self-gratification at your expense. Dr. Hare divides symptoms of psychopathy into two major areas.
First are emotional and interpersonal symptoms. Maybe he’s glib and superficial, egocentric and grandiose, has a lack of remorse or guilt, a lack of empathy or is deceitful and manipulative. The second is social deviance. Is he impulsive or reactive to personal insults? Does he refuse to take responsibility for his actions or display antisocial behavior (stealing, destroying property, hurting and controlling people)?
Now, before you go diagnosing your frenemies, realize that a pure psychopath is like a magician who can cloak his evil intentions to admirers so he can rob them blind. Victims will only realize what hit them after the fact. Besides, you need to be a qualified expert to make a diagnosis, and even they are sometimes fooled.
Psychopathic Shades of Grey
Most people have maybe one or two of those above traits, but what if someone you know appears to have more but not all of them? Ronald Schouten and James Silver refer to those men as “almost psychopaths.” Though 1% of the population qualifies as a psychopath, these scientists estimate 15% are “almost psychopaths.” These people aren’t quite as rotten, nor are they as well-behaved and emotionally grounded as everyone else. Still, they will leave a bad taste in your mouth.
The “almost psychopath” may not end up in prison, but he can manipulate you to pay his rent, take him out to lavish dinners and buy him expensive gifts. Don’t worry, though—he’ll repay all loans (no he won’t) and pick up dinner next time (dream on). Unfortunately, he’s often good in bed.
Psychopaths (and most “almost psychopaths”) have an uncanny ability to find out what you need emotionally and give it to you. They will recognize your hangups and self-doubts and turn them to their advantage. Victims end up abused before they are left emotionally, physically and financially drained.
How do you spot one? You probably can’t. Sure, certain professions—the drug trade, sex industry and nightclub scene—might have a higher number of psychopaths, but don’t fool yourself, they’re everywhere. When the symptoms of psychopathy are finally recognized, many love-hungry guys disregard or even admire them. The psychopath’s lack of fear, extreme self-centeredness and refusal to follow rules is sometimes seen as an expression of manliness and virility.
You Love a Psychopath. Now What?
If you confront a psychopath about his behavior, you’re going to be met with denial and defensiveness, and he’ll probably turn the blame on you. If he’s an “almost psychopath,” there may be some hope of salvaging things, providing he’s willing to accept responsibility and show real change.
If there is abuse of any kind (physical, emotional or financial), you need to get out immediately or it will only get worse. But be prepared—a psychopath can even convince everyone around you that he was the real victim and that you abused him.
Most importantly, don’t blame yourself. Just get out while you can, and seek professional help—not because there’s something wrong with you but because you’ll need a voice of sanity to support and guide you through. There is no satisfying way out, and the longer you wait, the more he will take until there’s nothing left but your trampled heart and wallet.